Truth

"From my experience with my brother, who suffers from aspergers, people suffering from aspergers tend to find compromising difficult. It's like they feel cheated if their opinion is not the one recognized as the truth"

We were talking on the chat about Aspergers, and I was thinking about this sentence quite a long time afterwards. It is certainly true, all my senses tell me so. But still a simplification. When I have an opinion about something - and it is rare with me not to - I make a difference between just having an opinion and having an opinion which is TRUTH. I capitalize the worrd, because I have always, all in my life held truth as almost sacred. I am sensitive on this matter. If I feel that my opinion is the truth, then I defend it no matter what, no matter the circumstances, the manner and the opposition. It is - to keep the terminology in this spirit - it is almost like a crusade. I do not know why is it so. It is not important what causes it, chemicals in the brain or karma.

But it makes a helluva lot of a difference when I argue with my opinion as just one of the possible viewpoints, subjective, personal, and I make compromises, I concede points, I enjoy the argument, the exchange of ideas and views that form and shape each other - and on the other hand when I feel my truth, and I feel it threatened, when it is not flexible, but hard and obvious, and still people cannot or want not see it, accept it, acknowledge it... and then I turn hard like a diamond, I anger and shout, I take it absolutely personal that they dare to question me, and the truth... and yes, it is the case that the opening sentence tells. I wonder how I can or could or even if I should deal with it. For truth is truth. When I see it, I cannot let it go for the sake of a good conversation, for the sake of a nick banned, for the sake of loosing a job... because it is more important... I hate losing these things, it hurts losing, like it hurt being banned - but when I saw my tuth and saw admins' attacks on it, I just could not give up.

When I do not defend truth, I can see quite clearly how I should behave, how I should compromise, how is it with other people. I often even tell about it to other people as advice. But when it is coming to the .... is it a test...? I am not sure... but when it comes to this, I find that truth is still the most important thing. Rarely, very rarely I feel a small nagging doubt afterwards, when the truth is not rock-solid, not absolute... those are hard times, because I am scared of myself. The 'what have I done' feelings come. but the hurt is also there, the feeling of injustice against me, and it is usually far stronger than the small voice of the doubt.

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

/John Masefield/