Smile! 4.

[part 4 – a hopeful smile]

I came to still in darkness, but this time darkness was all wrong, I was all wrong and everything else was even worse. Most of the pain left me, and as I recollected the input from my senses, I could feel what was wrong - I had my hands and feet tied. So it wasn’t far enough from the surface after all, and there were some waiting, or coming for me. Well, not for me, but probably for what I took from the dragon-hoard. My bonds were surprisingly good – whoever did the knots, was expert in it, and knew that I too was good with knots from this end, and escaped from more prison and tight situations that he’d ever seen. So even if I could undo the bonds it would take time and though I still could not see anything, I felt it clearly that they were not giving me any time to patiently fiddle with the rope. I felt the hands on my mask and despaired. Whatever was it in humans that made them compulsively want to see under my mask? Did they never learn? Well, probably those who ever tried it did learn – but a bit late, for a dead men cannot utilize any knowledge. All right, so they were curious, but curious enough to risk my wrath? They were not the first ones to catch me in some circumstances and try to peek under the mask. Besides the mask was not kept on my face with a puny rubber band, it was secured by magic which I have devised myself. In principle it could be removed with force, as I have tried once myself, together with most of the skin and some more – it was fairly gruesome even for me who was used to the sickening sight of my own face, and it took quite a force to do so too. So when I felt the first fingers trying to pry the mask’s edges away from the skin I was not worried yet. Maybe they would give up when becoming bored with the unsuccessful tries…? But they wouldn’t… after the fingers I felt a knife-point on my skin, slicing at the edges, the magic reknitting the bindings as it went, but blood flowing from it, and when the point came close to my still unseeing eyes, I had had enough. They knew by then that I was conscious, and I heard one of them to call for a gag, but it was too late for them, for my throat produced the sounds and my mouth formed the words, they came out hurting as always, elf magic was never intended to hurt, it was to interact with nature, but I forced it and twisted it and darkened it to my purpose, and it came out like a storm, a storm which kills, as their minds were all but defenceless, and magic flew into them and squeezed and they fell dead… this kind of magic takes its toll on me, I felt like throwing up, and felt disgusted with myself, and I tried now with time enough to loosen the bonds and get the hell out of here.

Until a sharp edge of something hold by somebody gently touched my throat… I froze. Nobody should be here, my mind shouted, flaming itself with disbelief, nobody, for I should have heard it, smelled it or sensed it… something took away my sight but the other senses had to be working, should have told me about this one, just as they told me of the ones I have killed, it is not possible to get this close to me without me noticing… not a word elf, not a word in any tongue, he warned, and the voice was that of a human male, but still I haven’t felt him… not one of Them, surely, why would I find one of Them here in this godforsaken place, no, he must be special, but not the Other, think now, I shook myself, listen and think, he did not kill me straight away, so there are possibilities yet, just be very careful now, for he is dangerous. I nodded my head fractionally to sign him assent, and he continued. A bargain, not again, but it seemed a day for hard deals, what does he want from me, I wondered, I have very little apart from my life, I never took any riches, just as much as I spent at the next corner, I have no titles or estates or anything valuable… but you have secrets, he said, that is true, but they are of no use to you, human, they are older than you and have nothing to do with humankind. Still he insisted. Your face and the story that goes with it. For my curiosity. For I want it and you have very little choice. Which I did. The sword did not waver for an instant, his voice was sure and steady, whoever he was, he was good. Very good. I was silent for a second, carefully weighing my possibilities, which I had to admit to myself were not that much. Apart from acceding his bargain, I could let him kill me, which I considered as a valid choice, but decided against it. I bragged much about anyone beating me who could and there he was, due to special circumstances, true, but still bested me. I should take this as a sign and go on with it, facing what it brought to me. Facing it literally if I was to agree his terms. So a nod again, this time even slighter, but he saw it and knew he won.

A promise first, he said, I know you’d keep your word, you’d kept it with the dragon, so no magic whatsoever until I or you leave this cave – and I have agreed to it easily, once one decides a course of action, one should go fully through with it, embracing its ups and downs equally, as I did. Let me sit first, I asked, and he dragged me to the cave-wall, the blindness should disappear soon, he said in the meanwhile, and secretly I was glad to hear that, for living blind was not something that I would gladly accept. I must undo the spell that keeps the mask in place… I warned him that I was not breaking the promise, and so I did, loosened it, feeling it to become slack, and he lifted it away from my face… I fought down the urge to turn my head, to hide it, I did not see his face but I heard his reaction, the sound of utter repulsion, I knew it would be like this, the shame and the flame warmed me again in the inside, lit up my face, as blood always did, I used to watch it in mirrors or in clear reflections in a lake, I knew it was awful and repulsive and utterly horrible… who did this to you, came the question and I fought to answer normally, or as normally as I could manage, I promised, so I would, even if my head split with the wave of madness, it is a long story, one that would mean shame to me and nothing to you… but you asked and you’ll get an answer, I will give it to you, force it into your head, no matter if you want it or not now, the deal you cut binds you just as well as it does me…

So I started my story, mind to mind, it was easier, I am not used to speak so much, and it would convey the emotions more accurately, he would feel what I felt, and I bitterly smiled inside, so he would not be able to get off it, even if he found it too much. I promised no harm to him but if a story hurt… well, he asked for it, and he would have to take it all. I was born as the only daughter of a noble elf family, destined for much, taught by the best, loved by my father, all those things starting about nine hundred and seventy years ago, in Riulean, the homeland of my people. I grew and learnt and lived without care until one day an orc raiding party, together with some rufaints crossed the border, and hit my family’s estates. It was not very well defended, war and violence was not heard here for quite a long time, and the border guard was lack as well. Many were killed, but some of us were taken by the raiders. I was taken too and sold later as a slave to the famous Twins assassin school… and not for my looks either, no, they despise any races except humans, all else can only be a slave there and the lowliest one too. Actually, I was to be target practice for the assassin-apprentices, someone, on whom they can perfect their skills; and as such my life expectancy was suddenly very short. But I survived… with luck at first and on skills later… I learnt what they learnt and I did better than any of them, becoming known to be the ultimate challenge, they had to face. I was there for years, almost a decade and it became harder and harder to survive against everything they threw at me… so I had to escape eventually. The fact that I am here tells you that I was successful, but it was a long and bloody story…

I had not known then that my problems would start once I got home… once I crossed the elven border, I was apprehended. I did not understand why. I’d hoped a warm welcome from my people and my family… instead I was taken a small pit, where they kept the captured orcs, under stone and iron and guard… and I was told that I was to be an outcast, damned from elvenkind, one who could never again set foot on elven land on pain of death… for I was tainted with the outside world, with humans and with my shame. After going through everything I did not expect this… but the worst was yet to come. After five days, my father came into the cell. My hopes flared, maybe he would put in a word to help my case, maybe… no, whispered the stranger’s voice in my mind, don’t you tell that it was… my father, yes. The others held me down and he disfigured my face. He disowned me and I resembled too much to him… and he put magic on me too, so that the scars would never disappear, and I was taken out from the cell, across the border, and blind with my eyes swollen shut, and bloody as I was, they threw me into the woods… for days I could only see inside, him with the knife, the cruel face above mine, ruthless and merciless, and I could not form the word æta for years, could not form any words for a while, without that inner pain engulfing me… for years after and I could still only dream of that night… madness was born in that cell, grew in the woods alone, blind and starving, fuelled later by an uncaring world, until I decided to be as much against it as it was against me, putting steel against its steel and flame against its flame…

I felt a finger touching my face… there are not just scars, I thought as the finger traced them, and they are not glorious signs of fights fought and won, but they are horrible scars, pieces of flesh missing from the nose, the brows, lips nonexistent now, the whole face is utterly disfigured, not glorious at all, I saw it many times and it never really heals, never grows back, I sought out magicians famous for their healing skills, and priest blessed by gods to heal even deathly wounds… but old elven magic proved to be stronger than any of the younger races’ ones and I have remained like this and will remain so until death makes all flesh rot away… I learned to live in a mask, learned to live my life as if I was wholly encased in a disguise - but I did go back once secretly and stole that knife from Him. It is this one with me, the only thing that accompanied me through the centuries… and now human, you know my story, the only one except myself, as the elves think me dead, for I really should have died then, and now I want to know your name. Lauriel, came the answer unhesitantly, and the question, will you try to kill me for knowing this? But I had no answer for him, and he accepted it. Smile now… I sensed somehow the command, but it was not coming from his mind, the words came from nowhere, they came from stars and moonlight… you can now…

My vision started to come back by then and I could see at least light and shadows moving, and as I tried to listen for his presence, I heard nothing, the shadows were not moving any more, and I was sure that he left somewhere, quietly and unassumingly. It was all right with me, I felt tired and drained with all that happened that day, I needed rest, well, after I have undid all the bonds that is, which I did, I must wait until my sight is once more fully functional, and slept for awhile. I woke up to no more unpleasant surprises, for which I was very glad. I could even smile, much to my surprise, an astonishingly honest and warm smile, without the mask on, which I postponed a little to put back into place… I started out of the cave, which was now open to the mountainside, so I did not have to sing me through living stone again, and went down, I had nothing with me, no possessions, nothing that I carried before, nothing that I collected in the cave, just the knife that he left me and some experiences.... The madness maze seemed to disappear too, and as I suddenly looked up, it was moonshine streaming down on me, it was full moon on a starry night, which I rarely noticed these days, and my steps suddenly had something in them that I had only felt such a long time ago that it was more than memory, it was legend… hope.

[Ishmael was waiting for me at the foot of the mountain, by the way]


Copyright by: Nádasdy Nóra – Quicksilver – 2008. november 19.